I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
I met a 14 year old girl on the Internet. She was clever, funny and flirty so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop w@nking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!" I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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